Once you have a safe place to go, go! If you need help getting out safely, get in touch with your local women’s centre. They will make sure that steps are taken to protect you and any children you may have. Women’s centre volunteers are trained to promote your safety and will arrange with you a safe time to talk with you about your situation. Their role in helping you is to ensure that you will not be placed in danger and put you in touch with agencies and people who can help you.
Commit to getting out. So many women (and men) change their minds or rather, they have their minds changed. The abuser may have told them that they will change, that they have seen the error of their ways and that, from now on, things will be different, better.
This is a lie.
A leopard, to use the saying, never changes its spots. Tactics like these are standard issue manipulation, employed to keep you exactly where you are and to make you believe that it was your choice to stay. You can still leave, right?
Your abuser may strip you systematically of your self esteem and confidence by telling you that you can’t make it on your own because you’re a mess, on a low income or unemployed and not smart enough to survive without him/her. Again, this is manipulation which, whilst believable in your current low mood, is totally not true. You are already smarter and stronger than you think. Have faith in your instincts, you are not wrong, your abuser knows it and is scared by it.
If there are children involved, your abuser may tell you that you wont be able to care for them, that you will be taken to court, that you will lose custody.
All of the above are the weapons in your abusers arsenal but using your children as a means of controlling you is, perhaps, the lowest of the low.
Once you’re safely out, here are a few places to contact:
Tax Credit office
Citizen’s Advice Bureaux
Local Housing Centre
Child Support Agency
Child Benefit Office
Bank (for your new bank account)
Solicitor
Women’s Centre (if you haven’t contacted them already)
*This list is in no particular order.
Feel free to research before hand but keep in mind that if you are using a family computer, clear your internet browser history.
If you don’t have one already, invest in a diary. A lot of things will start to happen and some times it can feel like they’re happening all at once. A diary will help keep you organised and on top of things like appointments, telephone numbers and to do lists. Make things as easy as you can for yourself, the more you write down, the less you have to remember.
Feeling overwhelmed at times should be expected so don’t be afraid to ask for help. The Women’s Centre are a fantastic free resource offering access to professionals who can help and support you through your transition. You will also possibly meet other women who have been in a similar position to you. It is extremely important to know that you are not alone. Abuse can isolate individuals into feeling as though they are the only ones. I can assure you that your position is not unique among women and men. The problem is that people don’t talk about it. If your Women’s Centre offers the Freedom Program, then I strongly urge you to take part.
During these sessions, you will gain insight into the many and varied behaviours of abusers. You will also begin to appreciate that you were never the problem. No matter what put downs or physical means your abuser used towards you, you were not at fault.
If they haven’t done already, your abuser may try to make contact with you. You should be prepared for this. You, after all, dared to break the hold your abuser had on you. That was not in their plan. Your departure may have caused upset and thus, angry outbursts on the phone, via text message or noted in an email sent to you may be the way your abuser feels is appropriate to tell you exactly what they think of you. The alternative is that they use these means to tug on your emotional strings. They may tell you that they miss you, that they have seen the error of their ways, that they are contemplating suicide. The list is endless. If this is causing a nuisance, make yourself an island to them, literally. Change your telephone number and get a new email address. If they know your route to work, change it if you can. If your abuser is insisting that contact is maintained for the sake of the children, then my therapist shared some excellent advice: keep it to email then you can choose when or if you open it.
Maintain some emotional distance, remember, they abused you and they have no reason to stop trying to control you now. If that doesn’t work or, if you just want your abuser to stop contacting you, you can talk to the police or ask a solicitor to write to him asking him to stop trying to make contact. There is also a no contact order if your abuser is contacting you to threaten or harass you. Not only does it prohibit your abuser contacting you, it also lets them know that you’re serious.
Be strong, remember why you left and remind yourself that you are not wrong. It may be hard, transitions usually are; but that does not mean that you need to stop moving forward.
Getting out is never easy, especially if abuse is involved. The next part of your life will seem stranger perhaps. Retraining yourself to make decisions that used to be made for you and getting to know yourself again all take time and energy. Invest some time in getting to know yourself again, make plans and keep making plans.
I escaped an abusive marriage. My husband abused me on every level for almost twenty years. In the three years since my escape, I have learned a few things about life post abuse. I guarantee there will be bad days, days when you don’t want to get out of bed. I also guarantee there will be good days when you catch yourself smiling for no reason. The ratio may indeed fluctuate but each day that you are away from your abuser makes you a stronger person. Dream big, smile wide and never let anyone tell you that you are not worth it.
Commit to getting out. So many women (and men) change their minds or rather, they have their minds changed. The abuser may have told them that they will change, that they have seen the error of their ways and that, from now on, things will be different, better.
This is a lie.
A leopard, to use the saying, never changes its spots. Tactics like these are standard issue manipulation, employed to keep you exactly where you are and to make you believe that it was your choice to stay. You can still leave, right?
Your abuser may strip you systematically of your self esteem and confidence by telling you that you can’t make it on your own because you’re a mess, on a low income or unemployed and not smart enough to survive without him/her. Again, this is manipulation which, whilst believable in your current low mood, is totally not true. You are already smarter and stronger than you think. Have faith in your instincts, you are not wrong, your abuser knows it and is scared by it.
If there are children involved, your abuser may tell you that you wont be able to care for them, that you will be taken to court, that you will lose custody.
All of the above are the weapons in your abusers arsenal but using your children as a means of controlling you is, perhaps, the lowest of the low.
Once you’re safely out, here are a few places to contact:
Tax Credit office
Citizen’s Advice Bureaux
Local Housing Centre
Child Support Agency
Child Benefit Office
Bank (for your new bank account)
Solicitor
Women’s Centre (if you haven’t contacted them already)
*This list is in no particular order.
Feel free to research before hand but keep in mind that if you are using a family computer, clear your internet browser history.
If you don’t have one already, invest in a diary. A lot of things will start to happen and some times it can feel like they’re happening all at once. A diary will help keep you organised and on top of things like appointments, telephone numbers and to do lists. Make things as easy as you can for yourself, the more you write down, the less you have to remember.
Feeling overwhelmed at times should be expected so don’t be afraid to ask for help. The Women’s Centre are a fantastic free resource offering access to professionals who can help and support you through your transition. You will also possibly meet other women who have been in a similar position to you. It is extremely important to know that you are not alone. Abuse can isolate individuals into feeling as though they are the only ones. I can assure you that your position is not unique among women and men. The problem is that people don’t talk about it. If your Women’s Centre offers the Freedom Program, then I strongly urge you to take part.
During these sessions, you will gain insight into the many and varied behaviours of abusers. You will also begin to appreciate that you were never the problem. No matter what put downs or physical means your abuser used towards you, you were not at fault.
If they haven’t done already, your abuser may try to make contact with you. You should be prepared for this. You, after all, dared to break the hold your abuser had on you. That was not in their plan. Your departure may have caused upset and thus, angry outbursts on the phone, via text message or noted in an email sent to you may be the way your abuser feels is appropriate to tell you exactly what they think of you. The alternative is that they use these means to tug on your emotional strings. They may tell you that they miss you, that they have seen the error of their ways, that they are contemplating suicide. The list is endless. If this is causing a nuisance, make yourself an island to them, literally. Change your telephone number and get a new email address. If they know your route to work, change it if you can. If your abuser is insisting that contact is maintained for the sake of the children, then my therapist shared some excellent advice: keep it to email then you can choose when or if you open it.
Maintain some emotional distance, remember, they abused you and they have no reason to stop trying to control you now. If that doesn’t work or, if you just want your abuser to stop contacting you, you can talk to the police or ask a solicitor to write to him asking him to stop trying to make contact. There is also a no contact order if your abuser is contacting you to threaten or harass you. Not only does it prohibit your abuser contacting you, it also lets them know that you’re serious.
Be strong, remember why you left and remind yourself that you are not wrong. It may be hard, transitions usually are; but that does not mean that you need to stop moving forward.
Getting out is never easy, especially if abuse is involved. The next part of your life will seem stranger perhaps. Retraining yourself to make decisions that used to be made for you and getting to know yourself again all take time and energy. Invest some time in getting to know yourself again, make plans and keep making plans.
I escaped an abusive marriage. My husband abused me on every level for almost twenty years. In the three years since my escape, I have learned a few things about life post abuse. I guarantee there will be bad days, days when you don’t want to get out of bed. I also guarantee there will be good days when you catch yourself smiling for no reason. The ratio may indeed fluctuate but each day that you are away from your abuser makes you a stronger person. Dream big, smile wide and never let anyone tell you that you are not worth it.