I debated whether or not to write a blog about what happens inside my own head. Then, I considered that everything we do must come from somewhere. Usually, the things we feel compelled to do comes with an emotion of some sort: Love, hate, fear, excitement...the list is endless. In addition, there are still countless individuals and families going through similar experiences silently, afraid to speak up.
With that said, I should share with you the ever present monologue in my head as I contemplate and reflect on a life that once was. On the outside it seemed perfect but, deep inside those cavernous chambers of secrecy, chaos ruled with an iron fist.
Finding out that the person you are in love with and, in a relationship with, is involved with another person, is worse than a slap in the face. The world that you once thought was secure is suddenly rocking and you are a tiny row boat on high seas during hurricane season.
I look back now with the gift of distance and the safety blanket of time. It has been almost three years since I decided to leave. I glance retrospectively in disbelief at myself for ever giving him a second chance, then a third...and fourth....and...
Who was I kidding?
Naturally, whenever he was discovered there was always an apology, “It’s not what you think,” endless were the words, “I love you, I don’t want her.”
Then, the explanation. “It’s nothing like what we have,” and my own personal favourite, “you just don’t trust me.”
It seemed such an alien thing to him, monogamy. He said he loved me and yet he was calling another woman sweetheart. He said he cared about me like no one else and yet he was telling someone else that he would always love them, “No matter what.”
No matter what....does that mean forever? Her name was Nadja and she was the first one that I became aware of, she lived in Germany.
It took me a while to realise that I was the one thing he didn’t want or, at least, not in that way, the loving way, the caring way, the monogamous way.
I cringe now when I remember sitting at the dining table trying to have a conversation with him over dinner when all he wanted to do was exchange flirtatious text messages with his girl of the week. I got used to knowing that whenever he told me that he loved me, he was calling someone else darling. The times he said goodnight to me, he was rolling over in bed or turning away to send a text message which I knew would read ‘Goodnight, sweetheart.” Her name was Karen and she was the seventh but, more importantly, lived the closest, barely a mile from my house and she worked in the same company as him.
It seemed as though, no matter where we were or what we were doing, there was always three of us in the relationship: Myself, him and his ‘other.’ Only there, two of them shared the secret (or joke) as well as everything else and I was with our daughter in stupid oblivion because he said he loved me and that must be the truth.
He wanted it both ways, the doting woman at home and the extras: the excitement, the independence that these other women provided.
Seven times I forgave, but I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten how much each one hurt more than the last.
Now, I do wonder, if I should ever fall into a relationship, what would that man be like? Do I have a sign on my head that reads “liars welcome?”
I also wonder that the day that special someone tells me they love me, will they, with the same lips, same breath and same voice tell someone else the same thing. When that person tells me goodnight will they also be telling someone else, ‘goodnight sweetheart” and then look at me with the same eyes that they look at their “other” with, as though there was no harm done.
I dread the day, should it ever come, that I dare to trust another human being and have it all crumble away into dust again. I don’t want to be that person who always turns a blind eye. I want to be that person that believes in love and honesty. I’d like to feel like I was worth at least one honest relationship before I shuffle off this planet. I have been told that I want it all. I really don’t. I don’t want to be lied to anymore or hit, or manipulated. If I am ever lucky enough to be kissed goodnight, it would be lovely if he wasn’t kissing someone else. I don’t think that’s too much to wish for.
Do you?
With that said, I should share with you the ever present monologue in my head as I contemplate and reflect on a life that once was. On the outside it seemed perfect but, deep inside those cavernous chambers of secrecy, chaos ruled with an iron fist.
Finding out that the person you are in love with and, in a relationship with, is involved with another person, is worse than a slap in the face. The world that you once thought was secure is suddenly rocking and you are a tiny row boat on high seas during hurricane season.
I look back now with the gift of distance and the safety blanket of time. It has been almost three years since I decided to leave. I glance retrospectively in disbelief at myself for ever giving him a second chance, then a third...and fourth....and...
Who was I kidding?
Naturally, whenever he was discovered there was always an apology, “It’s not what you think,” endless were the words, “I love you, I don’t want her.”
Then, the explanation. “It’s nothing like what we have,” and my own personal favourite, “you just don’t trust me.”
It seemed such an alien thing to him, monogamy. He said he loved me and yet he was calling another woman sweetheart. He said he cared about me like no one else and yet he was telling someone else that he would always love them, “No matter what.”
No matter what....does that mean forever? Her name was Nadja and she was the first one that I became aware of, she lived in Germany.
It took me a while to realise that I was the one thing he didn’t want or, at least, not in that way, the loving way, the caring way, the monogamous way.
I cringe now when I remember sitting at the dining table trying to have a conversation with him over dinner when all he wanted to do was exchange flirtatious text messages with his girl of the week. I got used to knowing that whenever he told me that he loved me, he was calling someone else darling. The times he said goodnight to me, he was rolling over in bed or turning away to send a text message which I knew would read ‘Goodnight, sweetheart.” Her name was Karen and she was the seventh but, more importantly, lived the closest, barely a mile from my house and she worked in the same company as him.
It seemed as though, no matter where we were or what we were doing, there was always three of us in the relationship: Myself, him and his ‘other.’ Only there, two of them shared the secret (or joke) as well as everything else and I was with our daughter in stupid oblivion because he said he loved me and that must be the truth.
He wanted it both ways, the doting woman at home and the extras: the excitement, the independence that these other women provided.
Seven times I forgave, but I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten how much each one hurt more than the last.
Now, I do wonder, if I should ever fall into a relationship, what would that man be like? Do I have a sign on my head that reads “liars welcome?”
I also wonder that the day that special someone tells me they love me, will they, with the same lips, same breath and same voice tell someone else the same thing. When that person tells me goodnight will they also be telling someone else, ‘goodnight sweetheart” and then look at me with the same eyes that they look at their “other” with, as though there was no harm done.
I dread the day, should it ever come, that I dare to trust another human being and have it all crumble away into dust again. I don’t want to be that person who always turns a blind eye. I want to be that person that believes in love and honesty. I’d like to feel like I was worth at least one honest relationship before I shuffle off this planet. I have been told that I want it all. I really don’t. I don’t want to be lied to anymore or hit, or manipulated. If I am ever lucky enough to be kissed goodnight, it would be lovely if he wasn’t kissing someone else. I don’t think that’s too much to wish for.
Do you?